Just the Tip: Better Public Sex and Finding Sexual Confidence

couple making out in bathroom

Just the TipJust the Tip offers smart and compassionate sex and relationship advice from queer non-monogamous kinkster Jera Brown. Follow the column on Twitter @rebellioustips. Just the Tip is sponsored by Early To Bed, one of Chicago’s finest feminist adult toy stores.


I like sex in public: cars, theaters, balconies, and bathrooms. My ideal place is probably a high-end club’s bathroom. Any tips to making it better and more enjoyable?

For me at least, public sex is all about the build-up, meaning the actual sex-having is the least exciting part. There’s only so much you can do when you’re crunched for time and space, but you can get REAL creative about what you do leading up to heading off to the bathroom. Here are some suggestions:

  1. There are all sorts of things you can do by taking turns going to the bathroom alone. Take off your underwear (if you’re wearing any to begin with), and send each other selfies of the process or masturbation videos.If one of you has a penis, put on a cock ring in the bathroom as well (and, once again, photo evidence is hot). If I’m out with a submissive cock-bearer, I’ll bring a hair tie with me to use as a makeshift cock ring.If one of you has a vagina, pre-lube.
  2. Start with flashing or rubbing each other in public, whatever subtle movements you can get away with before finding a totally private spot. And … you better be good at subtle or else people are going to notice when you take off to a bathroom together.
  3. Focus on sensual/erotic acts that you normally don’t do. Place your lover’s fingers in your mouth. Bite the side of their jaw after you kiss them on the cheek. Whisper dirty talk into their ear.
  4. Remote control vibrators … need I say more?

If you’re all about the penetration, be mindful that an orgasm doesn’t have to happen for it to still be a hot-as-fuck encounter. Removing that pressure lets you just enjoy the moment.

My first time, I was very nervous, and I couldn’t stay erect. She took it as I didn’t find her attractive, and she cried. It did not help the nervous part. It took a few tries before I could stay hard, and then I couldn’t cum with a condom. She’s also the only girl I’ve been with. I feel stunted to some degree. I need to experience more, but it’s very hard to reach out to new people. I’m very quiet. I understand that I’m not alone in feeling this way, but I let myself keep believing things that I know are not true. Just trying to have self-confidence is hard. I worry about coming off as too cocky. Where do I go from here?

I think you need to hear this: There is nothing wrong with you. It’s very common to have difficulties staying erect when you’re nervous, and it’s also common to have difficulties cumming in a condom. I know hearing that doesn’t take away all the feelings.

I sense shame and embarrassment about your first experience, and I think the first step is to be able to open up and talk about it with people you trust. If you have close girl friends in your life, I’d start there. I also recommend the Chicago Sex and Relationship Center which offers professional therapy to help build dating and sexual confidence.

Now let’s talk dating.

Dating is a forced way of getting to know someone, and maybe it’s not the best option for you right now. To take some of the pressure off, consider searching for platonic friends instead. (And not on dating websites). If you’re introverted, then any social environment is going to be hard, but push yourself to say yes to more things. Not all the time—take breaks and take care of yourself. But putting yourself into new situations, as painful as it is, will slowly build you up. Also, focus on situations with fewer people and more opportunities to talk one-on-one.

Yes, you’re still going to wonder if any attractive woman you meet is an option. But not focusing on getting to know people for one single purpose might just help you create more authentic connections and gain confidence in yourself.

Finally, let’s talk sex.

When you do meet someone you feel comfortable with and are ready to be intimate, tell this person you need to start slow. The right person will understand. If you have issues staying hard, there are plenty of other ways to make intimate time enjoyable. Focus on getting to know each other’s bodies. Ask her what else she enjoys.  Have fun! And when penetration does happen, don’t worry about cumming. If someone puts pressure on you about not cumming, politely and lovingly remind them that it’s not about them. They’re probably feeling insecure as well.

In the meantime, practice masturbating in a condom to learn to cum in one without the pressure of performing.

It’s hard to hear that you’re going to be okay. But you are. And just because you’re less experienced than someone else doesn’t mean that you have less to offer the right person.

Have a sex or love question? Jera has answers! Send questions to justthequestions@gmail.com or DM Jera on Twitter @rebellioustips.

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Jera Brown writes about being a kinky polyamorous Christian on her blog scarletchurch.com and a sex and relationship advice column, Just the Tip, for Rebellious Magazine. Follow her @thejerabrown.