Just the Tip offers smart and compassionate sex and relationship advice from queer non-monogamous kinkster Jera Brown. Send questions to jera@jerabrown.com or DM Jera on Twitter @thejerabrown.
How does one handle being a slut in the BDSM world? It’s not frowned upon, but when around ‘non-BDSM’ people you are disliked? Especially when your partner is married to a non-BDSM partner, it makes you feel worse. How do I overcome this? He wants a slut on his terms only …
How does one handle being a slut in the BDSM world? For starters by recognizing that no lifestyle choice or community by default stops people from being judgmental. Even in the BDSM or polyamory communities, promiscuity can be frowned upon.
So you handle being a slut there the same way you would in vanilla communities: by being ethical in your actions and communication with those you’re intimate with and letting everyone else mind their own fucking business.
And just in case you need to hear this:
IT’S TOTALLY FINE TO BE A SLUT!
Now, about your partner. It’s common for a kinky person to have a non-kinky partner or even a partner who they’re romantically involved with but no longer sexually intimate with. That’s part of what I love about non-monogamy. People can fill different needs and roles in each other’s lives and still make relationships worthwhile. But, yeah, it can feel “off” or imbalanced.
But it doesn’t mean anything is wrong.
When you say that it makes you feel worse that your partner is married to a non-BDSM partner, are your feelings coming from them or you? If this is self-enforced fears about being “too sexual,” then I’m guessing it at least in part stems from internalized societal slut-shaming. So remind yourself ….
THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A SLUT!
But if it’s coming from your partner or his partner, it’s a different story. In this case, I worry something else is going on because you said that you have to be a slut “on his terms only.” What does that mean?
I realize this might be a DS or an MS relationship, and you might be willingly giving your partner some control. But, even taking on a submissive role, these relationships ought to leave you feeling good about yourself: respected and empowered. If you don’t feel that way, then something is wrong.
Being a submissive can totally be empowering—it has been for me (I’m a switch, by the way). Submitting is always a reminder of the worth of the things I’m giving someone access to. And the more you claim the worth of your body and your sexuality, the more precious of a gift it is when you give someone else control. You don’t hand over things you find precious to someone you don’t think deserves them.
Do some self-digging to see how you can further claim your own worth: your body, your sex, your heart — all of it. (BTW, This is not a one-time done deal. This is something we all have to continue to work on.)
And make sure he deserves you.
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