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The idea of quiet quitting went viral following a 2022 TikTok video from engineer Zaid Khan who defined it as “quitting the idea of going above and beyond at work.”
It spawned thought pieces galore from the Harvard Business Review to Slate and for months my social feeds were filled with conversations about “quiet quitting.” In short order, the term became a part of our cultural lexicon.
People can quiet quit relationships too and, in this piece, I’ll argue why that can be a good thing. But first, I need to explain what the term meant originally and why a misinterpretation has become the popular definition.
Quiet quitting’s original meaning and why it changed
One of the top search results for quiet quitting is from Investopedia which defines the term as “doing the minimum requirements of one’s job and putting in no time, effort, or enthusiasm than absolutely necessary.”
When I was working on this piece, I asked my social network what they believed the term meant and everyone said some version of “putting in minimal effort.”
But check out the rest of Khan’s definition of quiet quitting from his original video:
“You still perform your duties, but you’re no longer subscribing to the hustle culture mentality that work has to be your life. The reality is it’s not and your worth as a person is not defined by your labor.”
These definitions are not the same. Khan doesn’t mention doing minimal effort or putting in zero enthusiasm. You can be quite passionate about what you do, enjoy the work and do a great job, and leave it behind at 5 pm to pick up the next day.
But that’s not what we’re taught in hustle culture.
Throughout most Western nations, the economy runs on the idea that our identities are greatly defined by what we do and how much money we make. If this were to change and people began truly demanding a better work-life balance, everything would need to change or fall apart.
When the term went viral, corporations and business leaders that advocate the hardest for employees to go above and beyond had the most negative reactions. For instance, Elise Freedman, a senior client partner at Korn Ferry, a prestigious consulting firm told The Wall Street Journal that “it’s perfectly appropriate that we expect our employees to give their all.” She warned that people who quite quit may be first in line when layoffs happen. Meanwhile investor and Shark Tank star Kevin O’Leary called quiet quitters losers.
In 2022, Gallup ran a public poll and found that over half of Americans were quiet quitting. They defined quiet quitters as “people who do the minimum required and are psychologically detached from their job.”
They declared it a crisis. But they don’t really explain why it’s a crisis.
I think it’s because it could damage hustle culture. And I think this is why Khan’s original definition got so distorted. When we view work through the lens of hustle culture, there are two choices: go hard or go home. And we can’t fully imagine or advocate for a healthy work-life balance (and all the regulations, equitable pay and so on that would be necessary to sustain it) without changing how we approach work to begin with.
The same is true of relationships.
Whether we let work or relationships define us, it can be toxic either way
I’ve been stuck trying to find the equivalent term to hustle culture that defines how we view relationships. I don’t think there is one. But when we talk about heteronormativity, toxic monogamy, or compulsory sexuality – these are all pieces of it. Put all of this together, and we live in a culture with really strong rules about who we’re supposed to be involved with, what our relationships should look like, and how important they need to be to us.
Western culture defines romantic relationships — especially when combined with marriage — as the ultimate goal. If you’re single, you’re considered lesser than — a problem to be fixed. If you’re dating but not married, you (or your partner) have a problem with commitment. Once married, you’re expected to do everything together and be willing to make any sacrifice for the betterment of your partner or family. And divorce is considered a failure.
In other words, we glorify co-dependence. And we label anything that doesn’t fall under a narrowly defined definition of the perfect relationship as “queer” or “alternative.”
We run into the same issues re-imagining our romantic or sexual relationships that we run into re-imagining our relationship with work. Before we really can, we have to tear some shit down.
Here are three recommendations on how to start tearing some shit down.
1. Start to see discomfort as a good thing
Convenience is tied to hustle culture. We’ve grown to expect same-day or next-day delivery on basically everything, as well as double-shot sugar-free pumpkin spice lattes with almond milk we can order in a drive-through. These expectations enable hustle culture to thrive.
If we started valuing people’s work-life balance over our own convenience, it might mean waiting a couple extra days for that Amazon package to arrive. But that Amazon driver can take extra breaks on their shift.
In the same way, there are certain conveniences that happen when we build our lives around our partners that can slowly erode our independence and individuality.
For instance, couples that live together can intentionally avoid being alone for long stretches of time. But solitude is a necessary part of nurturing self-knowledge.
Embracing the natural discomfort of solitude is a useful skill. When we’re alone, we can learn to better listen to our bodies, form a better relationship with our thoughts, and build our intuition. We develop a better relationship with ourselves.
2. Use boundaries to maintain joy
A common response to quiet quitting was a concern that if employees weren’t going “above and beyond” at work, they were giving up on finding joy and purpose through their jobs.
Huffington Post co-founder Arianna Huffington, wrote on LinkedIn that “quiet quitting isn’t just about quitting on a job, it’s a step toward quitting on life. Yes, we shouldn’t be defined by our work. But at the same time, if work is at least eight hours of our day, are we saying these are hours we’re willing to simply go through the motions, with the inevitable boredom that’s bound to ensue?”
This signals to me that we don’t have a healthy relationship with boundaries. It’s completely possible to find joy and purpose in what we do without getting pulled into large projects that take over our weekends or leave us drained at the end of a work day. While going “above and beyond” isn’t inherently bad, it can certainly lead to burnout.
The same is true with relationships. It’s easy to get into the habit of equating love and commitment with sacrifice. If a partner or spouse isn’t prioritizing the relationship above everything else, they obviously don’t care about it. Right?
Wrong.
Sometimes, yeah, you have to go above and beyond. For a few hours, weeks, months. Is your partner going through chemo? Maybe you choose to make some sacrifices to be there for them during a trying time.
But it shouldn’t mean sacrificing is the norm.
We need to nurture and encourage boundaries in work and relationships that allow individuals to protect their own health and well-being.
We can honor these boundaries by nurturing self-reliance and building a strong support network so that no one person has to meet all of our needs.
3. This is a compatibility issue
There are jobs or careers that require people to go “above and beyond,” and I’m not saying they are inherently bad or even unhealthy. What is wrong is for “above and beyond” to be the standard and expected of everyone.
This is an appropriate message to publish in Rebellious Magazine, which got its name because the founder Karen Hawkin’s former boss called her “rebellious” for asking for too many weekends off.
Breaking down hustle culture would mean more agency over how much time and energy we expend at work without it impacting our ability to take care of ourselves financially.
In this case, finding a job/employer that matches how much time and energy you want to put into it, then, becomes a matter of compatibility. Maybe you want to work every weekend and there’s a job that requires this. Maybe it’s a match made in heaven!
What’s difficult on the job front is that because we live in late-stage capitalism engrained in hustle culture, it can be incredibly difficult to land a decent-paying job at all, which means a lot of employees are working in sub-par conditions in order to pay rent. Compatibility be damned.
Unfortunately, the same can be true of relationships, as well. It can be a challenge to find someone who has matching expectations around how much time you should spend together and what your priorities should be. And it can mean you’re just not compatible with an otherwise perfectly suited partner.
Until, as a society, we learn to reject the cultural standard that centers romantic partnerships above all other relationships (including our relationships with ourselves), those who push back against it may have a harder time finding partners with matching expectations.
My hope for everyone reading this is that you will continue to push back and advocate for your well-being on the job front and in relationships.
Photo by Emma Frances Logan on Unsplash