Just the Tip: Queer Sex Advice for a First-Timer

Just the Tip offers smart and compassionate sex and relationship advice from queer non-monogamous kinkster Jera Brown. If you have a sex or love question you’d like Jera to answer, email jera@jerabrown.com or DM Jera on Twitter @thejerabrown/a>.

A friend of mine just started dating another cis-woman for the first time, and she reached out to me looking for resources on queer sex. Here’s my general advice:

Don’t overthink things. Every person is unique: what kind of touch they enjoy and how they best connect with another person. There is no “right way” to have sex with another woman. When I started sleeping with women, I was terrified. Just because I have a vulva/vagina doesn’t mean I know how to please another one. I learned that what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for someone else, but what DOES work is asking what someone likes, and trying things out, and … well … in general, lots of liquids.

Ask before touching someone in different places. Ask whether they prefer fingers or mouths or toys or combos. Whether they prefer clitoral stimulation or vaginal penetration or both. Everyone is different, and that’s the beauty of it. You get to find whatever unique combination of sensations makes your lover squirm, and as long as you’re enjoying the process, you’re doing it right.

All that being said, there ARE great resources out there about woman-with-woman and other queer sex. There are also amazing toys to aid your sexy times. So, I asked Searah, owner of the feminist toy store Early to Bed, about what resources and products she recommends.

Girl Sex 101 book on bookshelf — ‘Girl Sex 101’ at Early To Bed

First of all, I cannot recommend “Girl Sex 101” enough! It is such a well-written, gender-friendly book. My more “traditional” book recommendation (and still a good one) is “The Whole Lesbian Sex Book“: Lots of good sex info, it also talks about identity and such, so if someone is starting to embrace a woman-loving-woman identity it’s a good choice.

Equipment-wise: I recommend lube lube lube! Pussy play almost always benefits from more lubrication! And vaginas tend to be more sensitive, so you want to make sure you are using a body-safe lube. Water-based Sliquid H20 or Sassy are my top go-to choices. They are slippery, vegan, safe, and they have almost no taste, so you don’t have that to worry about with oral sex.

Now that said, someone going down on a vulva (or being gone down on) for the first time might be wary of taste and scent, and that is OK. A little body-safe flavored lube might help one ease into the fantastic wonderfulness that is cunnilingus.

Vibrators are a great way to enhance play with others (regardless of gender), but some toys lend themselves to a two-vulva situation better than others. Try putting a Magic Wand between you, or grab a double bullet to share the fun!

I like to remind folks that just because a P is not going in a V, safer sex should not be ignored! A smart vulva-loving gal makes sure she has dams and gloves stocked to keep things safe.