Just the Tip sexual advice column biphobia and lube

Just the Tip offers smart and compassionate sex and relationship advice from queer non-monogamous kinkster Jera Brown. Send questions to jera@jerabrown.com or DM Jera on Twitter @thejerabrown.

I’ve always thought about experimenting with other guys, though I never have. Now I’m in a relationship with a woman I could see myself with long term, and I don’t know whether to tell her I think I might be bi. Is it worth risking the relationship if it’s not even something I’m sure I want to act on?

I don’t blame you for questioning this. The stigma is real. According to a survey done by Glamour, 63% of women said they wouldn’t date a man who has had sex with another man. I can’t tell you everything will be hunky-dory if you’re honest and vulnerable. I also can’t tell you I believe with one hundred percent certainty that partners need to tell each other everything.


If there is some aspect of yourself you feel you have to hide, can you feel completely accepted by your partner? The people we want to share our lives with don’t need to have the same excitement about all the things we love or even make up our identity, but they need to respect the complete person that all those things create. It makes me curious if this is the only thing you’re worried about telling her. Is she open-minded and compassionate in general? Do you feel supported and accepted by her otherwise? If not, I’d question whether you are healthy for each other.

Finally, I’m going to recommend something similar to what I told the non-monogamous person in my last post. I encourage you to commit to some serious reflection about what your heart is telling you that you need to explore. The richer a person you are, the more you bring to the table in a relationship.

(BTW, in spite of the statistics, there are quite a few of us who are ALL FOR bi or queer-identified guys. I prefer them because they get my own queerness.)

I don’t get very wet when I’m with my girlfriend. Usually I stay pretty lubricated during sex, but we’re forced to use lube. Do you think this is a problem?

I turned to my friend, sexual health expert Bianca Alba, MPH for this one. This is what Bianca had to say:

“There are many reasons an individual may produce less vaginal lubrication. These can include stress, certain medications, hormonal changes, lack of sexual arousal, and so forth. If you still feel happy and excited to have sex with your girlfriend, there is no reason to feel concerned about needing lube. However, if you think your lack of lubrication is related to stress or sudden lack of sexual desire, it may be worth discussing with a doctor or therapist.

“You may want to consider if there is anything in your relationship that needs a tune-up, such as better sexual communication. If you think this may be the cause, take the time to discuss any issues with your partner. Otherwise keep using lube and don’t put so much pressure on yourself to have a particular kind of sexual response, and you may find the issue resolves on its own.”

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Jera Brown

Jera writes about sexuality, spirituality, and social justice. They are the author of Just the Tip, a queer-friendly, sex-positive, relationship advice column and the editor of Sacred and Subversive,...

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