Am I alone in picturing two ovaries with fallopian tube arms wielding scissors and administering haircuts? Okay, perhaps this title is misleading. And perhaps I saw a sex education video in 5th grade where a mom character created the female reproductive system out of pancake batter on a griddle by way of explaining the magic of menstruation to her daughter’s sleepover friends. Perhaps now this is what I picture every time I try to re-frame “having the balls to __________” with “having the ovaries to __________.” I digress.
In addition to my unwavering allegiance to tangents, I am rebellious because I cut my own hair. I am the Ron Swanson of hairstyling. And you can be too! Now, before you go hunting for those dull rusty scissors that you also use to open packages of skinless chicken breasts, make sure all of the following criteria jive with your style needs. Get excited! You’re moments away from a terrifying, empowering experience.
1. You have to be cool with some unexpected events occurring. A simple experiment involving your bathroom mirror, a hand mirror, and issuing motor commands from your brain for your free hand (i.e. “move left”) will teach you that it’s inevitable that you’re going to accidentally take a chunk out of the wrong section in the back sometimes. You’re going to have to be zen about this. Incidentally, it helps if your hair is a texture other than baby-fine-stick-straight. Also helpful: penchant for avant-garde looks.
2. It is possible that the agony of cleaning up your own hair from every nook and cranny of your bathroom is so terrible as to make paying for a haircut seem worth it again. I’m not going to lie to you; there will be hair Ev. Ery. Where. Everywhere. And before you get clever and decide that you’ll just post an add on craigslist offering $5 to anyone willing to spend 15 minutes of their life irradiating hair from your bathroom, take a second to imagine what sort of specimen might respond to such an add. And also maybe question your own judgment in turning to craigslist as part of a problem-solving equation. I know from a friend is all.
3. You must maintain the courage of your convictions! Screw your courage to the sticking place! There is a terrifying moment in every home haircut where you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and decide that you look like a crazy person. You’re not wrong, but you’re too far into the haircut to back out now! Forge ahead! Follow your fear! Okay, yes, perhaps it got a little shorter than you originally intended. And yes, the bangs were a mistake. But you’re a super-strong stone cold fox. If anyone can pull this look off, it’s you. Plus, hair grows back and you already decided that you’re cool with some unexpected events occurring (see #1).
4. You enjoy living life in the moment and have an iffy respect for consequences. Home haircutting fosters a fly-by-the-seat of your pants ethos that should be embraced! Just want to snip on annoying strand? Get it! Want to finally discover what you’d look like with a circle shaved into one side? Today’s the day! “D.I.Why didn’t I do this sooner?” you’ll wonder.
I’m already excited about your haircut and the feelings of badassery that will inevitably follow when you give your new coif a tousle and blow an air kiss to that style maven in the mirror. That heat’s all you, you rebellious D.I.Y. gal!