Just the Tip offers smart and compassionate sex and relationship advice from queer non-monogamous kinkster Jera Brown. Follow the column on Twitter @rebellioustips. Have a sex or love question? Jera has answers! Send questions to jera@jerabrown.com or DM Jera on Twitter @thejerabrown.
I watch a lot of violent porn on Tumblr, like rape/abduction and bondage scenes. I can’t always tell that they’re consensual. Should I be worried about this? Are there better options?
Porn star and award-winning director Anastasia Pierce answered this one for me.
“I have been producer of bondage, fetish and super heroine cosplay videos for over a decade, and I know a lot of performers and producers in the adult and fetish business.
Most adult/fetish performers work for many producers, and we share a lot of information with each other when we meet and during the shoots. I have never heard of anything NON-consensual taking place during any shoots. Word would spread quickly if it did happen, and no performer would ever work with that company again and make sure that everyone they know wouldn’t work with them either. And, of course, we’d share what happened in detail.
So, my advice is that if you are watching companies who have been around for a while with lots of produced content, then you pretty much can be sure that all those scenes were consensual.
BDSM and sex can both be hard and something the drama is accentuated. It’s like theatre. We try to make it look good and as realistic as possible. But know that everyone has limits and can stop any shoot at any time, no one is forced to do anything they don’t want to. Of course, sometimes performers go a bit further and a bit harder that they first anticipated they would, but usually it happens gradually with experience and the scenes they do. Everyone likes to try something new, and the rule also applies with BDSM and sex scenes in front of the camera.
Don’t forget to purchase your PORN, pirated porn hurts everyone, and if it continues to be shared, no one will be producing anything anymore! Happy viewing!”
Follow Anastasia on Twitter for news of her sexy content.
“My partner and I just broke up, and I’d like to try non-monogamy. How do I know if I’m polyamorous, and how do I meet people who are open to it?”
The most common way people attempt to figure out if polyamory will work for them is by gauging whether they get jealous when someone they care about develops feelings or is intimate with someone else. Some reactions are just natural and not a sign that anything is wrong.
I think there are two questions that are important to keep in mind. The first is this: Is working through natural jealousy and the other complications of non-monogamy worth the benefits for you personally? (You won’t know until you experience the benefits as well.)
The second is whether you want to limit who you are willing to date. Finding someone open to non-monogamy is getting easier, but it’s still not the norm.
As for finding people, two ways work for me. Meetup.com often has polyamory groups in larger areas. I’ve had good luck finding community this way. You can also Google polyamory and your city, and see if you find groups. Rule number one is to never treat these groups like a meat market. People gather for many reasons — not always to find someone to date.
OKCupid is the other way I consistently find non-monogamous peeps. You can filter those open to non-monogamy or, if you answer enough questions about looking for an open relationship, you can rely on your match percentage.
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