I ran the More Fitness Women’s Half Marathon in NYC this weekend with my mom! In addition to further establishing my badassery by finishing the race, I got to spend a few extra days in the city just bumming around and doing fun touristy things. Highlights include dinner at Momofuku Noodle Bar, some shows at Upright Citizen’s Brigade, the Gutai exhibit at the Guggenheim, saying the word “Guggenheim”, taking a ferry on the East River, and catching up with old friends.
Usually, I’m entirely thrilled to be away when I’m traveling. I’m hardly a jet-set lady, so it’s not like I’m on the go constantly, but when I am, I don’t usually find it challenging to be away from my daughter. I relish the break.
I had a hard time coming to terms with this truth when Ida was little. I felt like there was something fundamentally wrong with me. But now I can own it – I love to be away from my kid! Provided that it’s not for an unreasonable duration of time, or under unpleasant circumstances, I really enjoy time away. A quick hug and a kiss and I’m out the door, excited for new adventures, or the opportunity to do some work, or whatever.
But, oh motherhood! Just when I think I’ve got something sorted out; when I think I know how I’ll feel and start to depend on this knowledge, an imperceptible shift occurs. Suddenly nothing is where I left it and I’m scrambling to make sense of what’s happening. So there I was, feeling like there was something wrong with me all over again as I missed my kid like crazy during my NYC explorations.
So for today, what’s working is being home with Ida again. Missing her has seemingly renewed my patience for her shenanigans, and has me looking – really looking – at her face while she talks to me about her adventures in my absence. I’m feeling really lucky to like living with her as much as I do. I enjoyed being gone, but missing her so much has made coming home feel extra nice.
And in the larger picture, what’s working is remembering that Ida and I are changing all the time. Both of us as individuals are growing and becoming more ourselves. But even as that happens, the relationship between us is altered by and maybe sometimes for that growth like sand shifting under our feet – supporting us and holding us up. We’ll always be on that beach, but the landscape can be sculpted into something new at any moment. It’s easy to notice that our kids are always changing and growing. They do it in such big and definite ways. But it’s a little harder to remember that we are changing and becoming too. None of us are finished yet. Neither is what we’re building between us.
And that realization is loaded with my favorite thing of all. What’s working right now? Possibility.
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